SHAME IN DEM GAME

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About

SHAME IN DEM GAME has several meanings, the most obvious of which is a song—but NOT the Sublime version. Sublime is a band I've never been able to fully talk myself into. No, the song is really and truly by H.R., a guy whose music leaves me speechless after I listen to it.

We're going to talk a lot more about music, by the way.

Understand, however, that this is NOT a blog. I’m not a huge fan of that word, for some reason—blog. Probably because I’m well on my way to becoming crotchety and cantankerous (read: old), and the name sounds a bit too hip for me. I’m not hip either, see, and that in itself is another word I’m not a huge fan of—hip. I realize it is completely irrational to dislike these words. This is likely all part of a much larger issue that I have.

Between the ages of 12 and 14, I couldn’t stand to hear the word adolescent. I downright hated the word puberty, to this day it is probably my least favorite word in the English language. Until I was 20, I wasn’t a huge fan of the word teen. Now I’m not a huge fan of adult. Do you see what's going on here?

I'm not a huge fan of the word novel. It sounds like it has some kind of weird baggage attached to it. Like if I hear the word it makes me want to roll my eyes. Instead I prefer the term badass story. I try to write badass stories. They might not be badass though. They could be far from it. I just don't know.

I could do without the word hippie altogether. I’m not one, and never have been, although someone might try to label me as such, just because I’m always talking about moe., and Galactic, and bands like that. But I’m allowed to listen to whatever I want, you know? And I don’t feel the need to adopt some kind of lifestyle. In any event, a hippie would not have joined the Navy, now would they? I listen to some gangsta rap too; that doesn’t make me a gangsta. I wish more people had had that particular awareness over the years.

Listening to reggae doesn’t mean I’m Rastafarian. Punk doesn’t make me a punk. Really, the person I am most similar to, in personality and outlook, is Philip J. Fry, from Futurama—just a guy who’s happy to be here.

Also, I like to write a lot, badass stories, and in this thing here, that which is not a blog.

Really, what this is, is a retrospective. Why does it exist? Because it’s strangely therapeutic. And even though I will put it out here, there's no particular reader or specific audience this is intended for. In a blatantly selfish act, this is only for me. So what do I talk about? Well, surely one's retrospective will take cover under what one spends the wayward moments of their day thinking about.

Politics and religion are two things that most people in this world feel very strongly about. I don't know what happened to me. If I hear someone spouting off with any kind of pointed political viewpoint or religious belief, my brain exits my body and I count down the seconds until they're finished speaking. This is just a long-winded way of saying that I HAVE NO AGENDA. Rest assured. In the places I’ve lived I generally don’t have bullets whizzing by my head, and I usually have enough money to buy the things I need, so that allows for this kind of detachment. It’s selfish, but I certainly can’t write about something I’ve feigned interest in. That would be a disaster. No, see, I'm free to ponder and dream about whatever I want, and for me, basically anything I think or write about will generally land on a couple of very specific topics. These topics I love too much, perhaps at the expense of other aspects of my life. For example, if girls are always on your mind, whether you want them there or not, isn't it detrimental to the other things you should be focused on at the time? At times my entire life feels like a bumbling comedy of errors and rash decisions, most of it having been guided and swayed by some chick, even though she may not have been aware she was doing it at the time. For me, music is similarly all-consuming, whether I wish for this to be the case or not. While doing the things that I want to do, or the things that I have to do, I’m usually at the same time listening to music, for better or for worse. I also make playlists (previously called compilations, and before that—mix tapes). I generally expend an unnecessarily large amount of mental energy to do this. I wish I could put that energy to more constructive use, but well here we are. You know how there are some people that when you ask them what kind of music they listen to, and they say they listen to “everything”? I’ve found that usually means that they listen to a thin array of pure shit. I’m the exact opposite of those people. I do not listen to everything. I listen to things very measuredly.

Are my passions also my flaws? Sure, maybe, but whatever is to be gained from losing them wouldn’t be worth it. Everyone has flaws, but they make us who we are. What would I be without the things I'm passionate about? I don't even know. I might be more focused, but I'd be totally unrecognizable, and probably depressed as hell.

Another flaw I have will manifest itself at the worst possible time, when it would be beneficial for me to immediately have a good thing to say or a good response. But I can't think of the right words fast enough. That's why I prefer writing them later. For example, I'm the guy who finally thinks of the best comeback 10 minutes after the altercation is over. I hate this flaw. Even social occasions might be excruciating for me. Do you remember a scene in Caddyshack when Rodney Dangerfield is walking through the crowded club restaurant and he has a slick, hilarious one-liner for every person he sees? I wish I could be like that. I want to be like that. But it just isn’t me. Instead I'd have mumbling, awkward comments to each person as they pass by. I wish I be the other way, but it just isn’t me. Well, not unless I’m drunk.

To counter these flaws is the greatest of gifts that I've been given, something I've been very lucky to have—everywhere I’ve gone during my life, I’ve been able to make some really good friends. It's pretty easy—all you need to do is be nice and not piss people off. Then try to be cool and not lame. I don't think it's difficult, but it obviously is for a lot of people, because I see a lot of lame-ass people out there doing some very uncool things.

So it is with the help of good friends that I've gotten along okay. I look back and think that I've had some good moments. But I'm never, ever satisfied. I'm never content. And this is my curse.

One time when I was in third grade or something like that, I guess I had showed some sort of potential, because once a week I had this gifted class, and there were only a few other people in that class where we partook in these games and exercises designed to think outside the box, to expand your mind beyond the standard curriculum. I remember complaining to my mom, telling her I didn't want to go anymore. She said okay, if you don't like it, then you don't have to go, so I was taken out of it. Then, the next week, when it was time for those students to go to the gifted class, I uncontrollably stood up with the rest of them. My teacher said, hey, I thought you didn't want to be in the class, you can't just change your mind again. So I sat down and felt disappointed and sad.

This story is a microcosm of how I've lived my entire life. I want the new thing desperately; I work to get it, and then I miss the old thing. I go back to the old thing, and then I say, shit, I’ve made a terrible mistake. I'm always conflicted. Something sucks and it is cool at the same time. I hate it and I love it. Everything is a complete dichotomy. This is the reason why I ride around on air craft carriers while wishing I was at a Phish show. I’m indefinable but noncommittal. I’m good at many things but great at nothing.

But, nevertheless, like my man Philip J. Fry, I’m always just happy to be here. It’s no secret why.

One time somebody asked me if I had any regrets about the decisions I’ve made in life. I told him no, but only because I didn't want to come across as some mopey, morose bastard. He said, that’s good, life is too short for regrets. I loved that comment. That’s life, you see? You only have one chance, and you hope you make the best of it, and you spend as much time as you possibly can with those things that you are passionate about, because those are the best things in your life. Beer is good too.

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