06-Joe

It was bliss for Joe. The sharp, acrid taste of the marijuana. The instant, mellowing calm. Everything went into perspective.

They sat totally silent for a few minutes, watching TV as they smoked, until finally Joe spoke up. He used an odd, strangely reluctant tone.

“Dude, I hate to sound like I’m lunchin,’ but…I got to ask you about something.”

“Let me guess. Something about Katherine Lisi?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“You about lost your shit this morning when I brought her up.”

“She’s had that effect on me lately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Has this ever happened to you, Mike? I mean…you like Kelly a lot, right?”

“Oh, yeah, man. We’re super-tight, she and I. And I’ve dated a lot of girls around this area, and it’s never been like this, man. We’re pretty serious.”

“Dude, that’s awesome.”

“So I know just what you’re going through.”

“Thank God I’m not the only one.”

Mike was quiet as he fixed a run in the joint, and then took a gigantic hit. “So, Katherine Lisi, huh? I can dig it, man. She looks hotter every time I see her.” He exhaled a giant cloud.

“I know, man.”

“So, how did this all come about? How do you even know her?”

“Man, she was totally under the radar. It was un-fuckin-believable.”

“What do you mean?”

“She started out as a friend. In my Spanish class. She was someone I used to joke around with all the time because she sat right next to me for most of the year. But, I thought literally nothing of her at all.”

“So, what changed?”

Joe took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was going to reveal all this. But once he started talking, it all came out, and it felt good. It felt relieving.

“I really don’t know, man. Our seats all got switched around so she and I stopped talking. And that’s when it started. It’s like…I didn’t even know I liked her so much, and whatever it was we used to do together, you know? So now, I think about her all freakin’ day, but we don’t even talk anymore. It’s ridiculous. She’s got me feeling like some little freshmen fuck who’s never even sniffed second base.”

“Well, dude, somehow you’ve made it obvious that you like her. I’m telling you. Sarah Pratt sure as hell knows. She’s asked me about you and her, like, five times. She’s been freakin’ hounding me about it, to be honest.”

“Dude, I actually know why that is. I tried to deny it, but...”

“Go on.”

Joe breathed deeply again. He’d been in denial about it all week, but deep down, he knew what had happened. He knew what he’d done. It was time to pay the piper.

“At Miller’s Park, last Saturday night. I told you we were partying down there. The cops used to be onto that place, but recently, it’s like they’ve forgotten about it, and it’s been free and clear. So, when we arrived we weren’t too surprised to see another group already down there, and a lot of them were these younger sophomore girls, including Nikki and Sarah. We melded together with them like, immediately, and pretty soon I think every guy there was trying to impress them, because they were all giggly and seemed pretty enamored at our shenanigans. So, we were all getting trashed, slamming beers, shot-gunning them—like I said, with this pretty little audience we had, most of us went a little overboard.”

“Including you?”

Joe nodded. “I think one of the times I stumbled back to the bushes to piss, I threw up also.”

“Smooth.”

“It happens. Anyway, it was toward the end of the night, and we were all sprawled out on the bleachers by the baseball field, passing a joint around. Katherine came up in our conversation, and…I’m pretty sure I let it all out, man. I probably had very little filter on my comments, if any at all. For all I know I was proclaiming my love for her, right then and there, totally heedless of the repercussions. Hell, at the time, I was drunk—I wanted the repercussions.”

Mike laughed.

Joe buried his face in his hand. “So, I’m sure it was like, gossip gold for all those chicks. They probably all called up Katherine the next day telling her about it. Hell, maybe later that same night her phone was ringing.”

“The drunk confession. Smooth move, bro.”

“Yeah, I didn’t even mean to go this route, but…here we are.”

“It’s funny, because I’d have thought the punk rocker chick was way more your type, you know, considering the music you listen to. But instead you fall for the sweet little thang. No one should be surprised though.” Mike shrugged, while shaking his head. “Chicks, man.”

“Punk rocker chick? You mean Crystal Stevens?”

“Yeah. Seriously, what’s going on with you two? I thought you two had been hooking up.”

Joe sighed. It was time to pay the piper again. He had to wonder why he ever drank. It never seemed to be in his best interest.

“Crystal and I have hooked up a few times,” Joe said. “But I was wasted each time, dude. So was she.”

“Nice. Not just one, but multiple drunken hookups with Crystal Stevens? You the man, dog.”

“Yeah, what can I say? It’s like…each time I get really wasted, Crystal is always just there. Always when I’m most vulnerable.”

Mike busted out laughing. “I’m sure you have something to do with it, too.”

Joe nodded. “I just can’t help myself. I get sucked right in. She’s like…what are those things in outer space that pull planets and stars and shit into them?”

“A black hole?”

“Yeah, she’s like a fuckin’ black hole. Each time I get wasted, she’s just always there, and with each beer I get more and more helpless, and it’s fuckin’ inevitable I get sucked in, man.”

Mike laughed hard, almost falling off the couch.

Joe carried on, “Don’t get me wrong though, Crystal’s a cool chick. I like hanging out with her and all.”

“Oh, I know. She’s cool, absolutely.”

“And you know, she actually really does listen to some cool tunes, man. That’s how I first got to talking to her so much. She impressed the hell out of me this one night, dude. She’s all into the Red Hot Chili Peppers, can you believe that? Even their old stuff. I mean, goddamn, I almost asked her to marry me after that conversation.”

“Dude, you ain’t gotta tell me.” Mike nodded his head firmly. “I’ve always been down with Crystal, man, no matter what anyone else says. She likes my band, dude, and she knows her shit. A chick who listens to that kind of music…that’s rare.”

Joe nodded his head, too. “Indeed.”

“So, what? You actually do like Crystal, then?”

“No.”

Mike laughed again.

“No, I mean, I like her, just not like that. I mean, I like to hang out with her, but I ain’t tryin’ to be dating her, or some shit.”

“Yet your hook-ups have become borderline habitual.”

Joe shrugged. “A black hole, man. I get pulled in. It’s like, with each beer we drink, she and I become more and more inseparable. There could be like a mathematical equation to describe it, with like, plots and graphs, and shit.”

“Dude, you are in rare form. I love it.”

“Thanks.”

“I take it Crystal wasn’t around last weekend, huh? When you were jonesin’ for Katherine, and preaching it to the world?”

“Nah. That’s probably what allowed it to happen.”

“So, in the terms that you’ve defined, you’re trying to escape the gravitational pull of a black hole, named Crystal, and get to…what would Katherine be in this analogy?”

“Oh, she’s a…supernova. She’s…planet…fuckin’ hot, I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws here, man, but I think you get the idea.”

“Yeah, I get it well enough. So, what’s the problem moving in on Katherine? I don’t get it. I’m sure you have a green light for entry.”

“Well, I’ve circled around a few times, just unsure how to go about landing…you know, screw this analogy, just tell me what I should do, man.”

“Act soon, brother, that’s what you should do. I mean…you’re not exactly moving at warp speed here, man. Sorry, that was the last one. But seriously, there’s no doubt she heard what your drunk-ass has been sayin’ while jonesin’ for her, and since then you’ve just been sittin’ on your ass, wasting time. What are you waiting for?”

“Nothing. I just…didn’t know what to do, I guess. I didn’t even mean to take this strategy of…what did you call it? The drunken confession?”

Mike nodded. “It’s not a bad thing that she knows, dude, don’t get down about that. It’ll actually work for you, because I’m sure she’s been watching out for you.” Mike contemplated some more before saying, “You should be able to land Katherine Lisi pretty easily, man. Those younger chicks are all up on us. Plus, she’s single, right? In fact, I don’t recall her ever dating anyone.”

“That’s because up until now, she wasn’t that hot. I mean, do you remember her last year? She wore those goofy ass glasses? Now, she’s got contacts, she grew and straightened her hair out, and she somehow got a body over the course of a year. I’m saying, mmm!”

“Yeah…yeah, you’re right.” Mike nodded his head. “She’s rapidly becoming hot. It’s amazing what one year can do.”

“Yep.”

“Act fast, bro. I’m sure you’re not the only guy who has noticed.”

“I know man, I should have done something already, but, it’s like I said earlier…when I’m around her, I’m like…frozen. I keep hesitating. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

It was so true. Joe had thought so many times of going over and talking to her during class. He’d even practiced some words to say to her. But each time he tried to act, he felt himself falter. He shook his head in frustration.

“Does any of this make sense to you, Mike?”

“Yeah. It’s just funny, because I’ve never seen you like this before. Nowhere close to this. I’ve never heard you care about anything this much, other than a party. It’s actually quite refreshing for me.”

“Screw you, man,” Joe barked.

“One thing I need to warn you about. When you do talk to Katherine, don’t be stupid and spout out with all these feelings you have for her. You’ll scare her right the hell away. Don’t lunch. Just act like she’s nothing special. She’s just another girl you want to hook up with. Trust me, it’ll work best that way.”

Joe nodded.

“If you do get that initial hookup, and things are going good, then you can tell her all those feeling you got. If you want to. But not until then. I forbid it.”

Joe had to laugh at Mike’s serious tone.

“I ain’t jokin,’ man! Don’t turn into a fucking lunchbox around her!”

“I hear you man, I won’t.”

“Have you talked to her yet today?”

“No. But I should have. She was all smilin’ at me during Spanish. It was nice.”

“Aw, man! There you go! What were you waiting for? She was asking you right there, bro. You should have made your move.”

“But, I was in the middle of Spanish class, man.”

“So.”

Joe looked exasperated.

Mike continued. “I know it may sound crazy to you, but I do most of my work in school. Most people need the party scene, with the alcohol and drunkenness. But I don’t need it. I don’t even like that scene.”

“That’s because you’re a pimp, dude. I don’t know how you do it. You never go out to parties and you always have a girlfriend somehow. It doesn’t make sense to me. I mean…how do you do it? What’s the secret?”

“I’ll tell you what I do, man. It’s so simple, and yet so overlooked. All I do is talk to them.”

“Talk to them?”

“Yeah, man. That’s it. I go to school, and I talk to them. And they want me.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No.”

“Shit, dude, that sounds…advanced. If that was my only angle I’d probably still be a virgin.”

Mike laughed.

Joe went on. “I’m a party guy, man. It’s what I’m good at. When I’m partying, girls like me, much better than they do when I’m at school, all tired and yawning and shit.”

“First of all, I bet you’re wrong about that. Secondly, the party scene is fine, man. I’m not trying to put it down. In fact, I’m not discouraging it, either.”

“Oh…whew.”

“The most important thing for you now is to hook up with Katherine, as soon as possible, before this thing builds up too much, before it topples over from its own weight. You need to be making out with her, like, now, or freakin’ yesterday, dude, before things get weird between you and her. You wait too long before busting a move and the next thing you know some other guy will swoop in and take off with her and leave your ass out in the cold. Don’t end up there, dude, it’s the worst place to be.”

“Ugh, what is that, like falling into the friend-zone, or something?”

“Man, not even. I’m convinced that’s a misnomer, because at that point, you’re not even a friend, you’re just a fuckin’ pain in the ass. Don’t let it go down that way, bro. I can’t handle seeing it happen, especially to one of my boys.”

“Noted. But…”

“But what?”

“There’s a problem, though.”

“What’s that?”

“When’s the last time you’ve seen Katherine at a party? Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her outside of school, maybe not even outside of Spanish class! So how do I mack it?”

“Okay, Joe. You got two options.”

Joe smiled. He loved this.

He and Mike were best friends, and they often talked to each other, helped each other out, gave each other advice, suggestions, compliments, whatever. On many occasions, Mike had broken down a particular scenario for Joe, no matter how complex the scenario, by saying that he had two options. It was always so funny, and usually great advice too. There was no one Joe trusted more regarding these matters than Mike.

“Two options, huh?” Joe asked with a grin, feeling much better about this whole Katherine Lisi situation with each passing moment. This was exactly what he needed. A voice of reason.

“Two options,” Mike said. “One of these options is obvious. The other is beyond your comprehension.”

This wasn’t an insult—and Joe knew this. Mike was just simply speaking the truth, which was what Joe wanted.

Mike continued. “Option one is the easy one. And it’s very simple. Invite her to the party. Invite her to Antwann’s tonight. See if she wants to go. If she does, then you have home field advantage. You’ll be in your natural environment. Should be pretty easy, man.”

“Okay. That is easy. Simple. I like it. But what’s option two?”

“Option two takes some balls. Probably way more than you have right now.”

“What is it?”

“Ask her out, man.”

“A date?”

“That’s how it works, bro. I’m sure that is difficult for you, but man, you would be money if you did. Chicks love that shit, especially a chick like Katherine. Guarantee it.”

“What kind of date? Dinner, or something?”

“It doesn’t matter, dude. Sure, could be dinner, could be a movie, could be a trip up to D.C., could be a walk by the Potomac. Whatever, man. But I’m telling you, it would be money.”

“Where in D.C.?”

“Anywhere, man. Go to some monuments. Go to a museum. Take her to the National Gallery of Art. She’d be wet for you. Guarantee it.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, man.”

“What the hell do I know about art, though?”

“That doesn’t matter. Not even a little bit. It’s actually almost a good thing that you don’t know anything about it. I mean, if you’re trying to score with her.”

Joe contemplated quietly. “You really do this kind of shit?” he asked.

“Yeah, I do. Secretly, it’s fun—a date is, I mean. You two will have fun together.”

“Wow, man.”

“So, what’s it gonna be, bro? Option one or two?”

“Man, I’d like to try option two, but damn…what are Ronnie and Raza and everyone else gonna say when I don’t show up to the party this weekend? I couldn’t lie about what I was doing…they’d find out soon enough. Then I’d be even more of a dick.”

“Tell ’em you went on a date. Who cares what they think?”

“It’s not that easy, man.”

“Yeah it is. I catch shit all the time from those guys. Constantly. Even Paul catches shit for hanging out with Lauren all the time. For real. We do catch shit—we just don’t care.”

Joe was silent as he contemplated.

Mike added, “Getting pussy is king, man. No one can deny that. Pussy supersedes anything, and any guy must immediately accept that. It’s like an unofficial law.”

Joe smiled. “That’s true.”

“Anyway, I think there’s another side to the story that you’re just not admitting. You don’t want to miss the party, do you?”

Joe grinned and nodded. “I can’t lie.”

“Well, man, make a choice. Option one or option two.”

“I’m just gonna go find Katherine. I’m gonna talk with her. We’ll see what happens.”

Mike laughed. “Man, you crack me up, bro.”

“Yeah, I know. All right, man, thanks for the advice. And please, don’t mention any of this to—”

“Oh c’mon, dude, like I would talk about this to anyone. Like you even need to tell me that.”

“Cool, man, thanks. I swear, if I told Rob what I just told you, he would probably kick my ass just on basic principle.”

Mike laughed. “Yeah, that’s because he’s an idiot. He’s funny, and he’s a good guy to have on your side and all, but I’m sorry man, he’s such an asshole.”

The joint was down to a tiny roach, which they finished off.

“Ah, man, I’m gonna be draggin’ ass at school later,” Mike said, his eyes blazing.

“Yeah, me too,” Joe said, his expression numb and muted. “I’m freakin’ rocked. That hit the spot though. I feel chill like shit. That was exactly what I needed.”

“Word.”

Joe yawned deeply.

“Well man, you know what it’s time for now, don’t you?” Mike asked.

Joe thought about it for a second, and then they both said it at the exact same time: “Hot Pockets.”